This week, I think the right time just presented itself.
At first I was hesitant if I should go through with it. Its just that it seemed so long and unimportant anymore. However, I had to find the courage to do it because the chance might never come again and besides, I wasn't just doing it for the other person. I was also doing it for me.
I needed to say my apologies and my peace. It really doesn't matter how the other person will receive and return the gesture, I just wanted to do it to get it off my chest. It was a burden of guilt and sadness that I've been carrying for quite a long time and it was taking up an important space in my being that can be put to better and more progressive use.
So, there I was seated near the exit, waiting for them on their way out. In my head several things were still spinning, am I actually doing this? I felt cold and conscious of what I was going to say and how, what if I stutter or say the wrong things? At the top of my head, there's this queer little voice telling me to just leave because what I wanted to do won't change anything.
The minutes seemed eternal as the debate went on in my head if I was going to go through with it, on the left side of my brain. While the right side was composing what I was gonna say. Despite my own inhibitions, there was this stronger resolve to just get it over and done with since this is something that doesn't happen everyday.
On her way out, I called her name but she didn't hear me so I came after her and touched her shoulder, asked her to give me a minute. I told her this was something I wanted to do a long time ago but never had the chance. I said I'm sorry and gave her a hug. She smiled and said, "Wala na 'yun." She then introduced me to her son who took my hand and touched it to his forehead in a gesture of respect. I smiled at him and said, "Pleased to meet you." Just before we parted ways she said to me, "Sorry rin ha." Dumbfounded, I touched her elbow, smiled and said, "Okay na yun." I said my goodbyes and went my way.
To my surprise, the gesture was received with an equal amount of surprise, acceptance and an unexpected apology in return. I felt a surge of warmth, liberation, sheer delight and an unbelievable lightness in my heart that I never thought was possible. Its as if there was nothing you can throw at me that will get me upset.
It was the first time I met these two individuals face-to-face, first time that I actually spoke with them and yet our paths and fate have been entangled over a decade earlier in a very twisted way. So unbelievably twisted that it hurt. Still, there is nothing I can do to undo all that. What I can only do is say I'm sorry and wish them both well. And I sincerely mean that.
Our past is nothing pleasant nor fancy but I am grateful that it helped shape who I have become and if through my loss, something good came out - just a ray of hope, a chance at happiness and a chance at love - then my loss, no matter how much of a heartbreaking epic and monumentally soul-shattering moment it was at the time, is something that I no longer entirely feel sorry for.
My story hasn't gotten that happily ever after storybook endling that little princesses dreamt of yet, but I've gotten my second chance to get back up on my feet and make things right - and I struggle to do so every single day. For me, that is enough. As for them, I don't know how their story has unfolded and I have no desire to. I only pray that they be blessed with the same lightness that I now have in my heart and the most genuine of joy.
