Confessions from the depths of the mind of an INSOMNIAC...A Prologue

Yes, unfortunately we are looking at the familiar sorry state of my being: Another stupid sleepless night! BIATCH!!! Been like this again for the past three weeks…don’t really know what triggered it this time…feels like I’ve been cursed and all hell has broken lose…another damn sleepless night.

Looks like my tricks are failing me this time – had sleep management been in the curriculum, I would be flunking out with a very loud thud! I just don’t know what’s keeping me awake these days anymore…just when I finally have all the time to get a good night’s rest…Don’t you just hate it?

Thoughts just keep on jumping in and out of my head till about 3 to 2 hours before dawn. Frankly, its hell! Simply put, it’s just that: hell. Turning about in my bed; channel surfing on cable; switching from one radio station to another; movie marathons; reading blank on empty pages (well, don’t take it literally!); am even seriously considering taking up my brother on getting a Broadband; writing…pretty much just like now.

All the while you realize that the root of the problem is you! You are simply drowning in your own thoughts and emotions – hopes and worries, joys and fears, inspirations and frustrations, achievements and failures…Precisely like dreaming and having a nightmare all at the same time. More than once, I’ve asked myself: Am I going crazy? It seems to be the only rational way to characterize this entire affair: INSANITY.

Then by some divine intervention, you fall into that spell and get into that trance; you capture that very much sought after elusive sleep…Sweet, precious, priceless: SLEEP.

Sadly, quoting Keanu Reeves on Constantine, “There’s always a catch.” Before you get into that deep sleep stage or even near REM stage, half a dozen alarm clocks will buzz you back to existence from the depths of your reverie…And so another day begins in my so-called life! Not a-la Claire Danes…she’s not in my fave celebs’ list…doesn’t even come close! Lucid interval? No, not really. Plain and simple, it’s called REALITY!

So then I ask myself, “What keeps me goin’?” Only that deserves to be a topic of another exposition…maybe I’ll give you the answer tomorrow or some other day. Right now my eyelids are drooping…CIAO!

Girlfriend, get REAL

“It’s so teenager.” That’s a line I read from my former classmate’s Friendster blog. Come to think of it, lately I’ve been having thoughts regarding some stuff which I consider important in my life. If indeed some of them are immature, shallow, childish…trivial – you know if am bein’ like Cher in Clueless – makin’ a big fuss over a lot of irrelevant things…Like sooo…totally! Nyahahah!!!

Last Saturday, a li’l before midnight my high school pal sent me an SMS telling me she had a fight with her BF and that she’d decided to ask for some time and space…in small terms, they’ve decided to shift into a “cool off” mode. I don’t know exactly what the fight was all about but that line just hit me: It’s so TEENAGER.

Between my friends, I never really insist on anything when it comes to their relationship partners. For me, as long as they’re happy, am okay with it. They are welcome as long as they don’t mess up our lives or cramp our style…Hahaha, I wish! Seriously, they are welcome as long as my friends want them. It’s their lives, their decisions…and not mine. Not that I don’t care, it’s just that friendship has to have boundaries…you have to give your buddies space and the freedom to live their own lives…stuff like that will help them grow as a person and you to grow deeper as friends…the bond that will glue the friendship stronger.

Coming back to the SMS, am pretty disappointed with my girl maybe because I expected her to be wiser and smarter in terms of relating to men. She’ll be turning 25 next month, we’ve known each other for over a decade, and after a number of boyfriends and a failed marriage – which by the way is so totally not her fault…but that of her stupid husband – Nyahaha! I just thought that by now, she’d know better. I know, I know…I love the girl and all and she knows more than a thing or two when it comes to relationships , she just refuses to think straight!

Anyways, this is not about my friend alone…This is also about me and how or what I think about men and relationships. Right now I’m asking myself: Is it my friend who hasn’t learned about love and romance or is it I who have the problem? Have I become cynical? Deluded even? Or have I simply grown up? I’d prefer to think of it more as the latter – cynicism is not and will never be synonymous with realism.

Cynicism has no faith. It’s negative. It doesn’t dream, it doesn’t hope. With it, things like love, passion and romance are non-existent. It just criticizes and analyzes – there are no such things like magic and miracles.

Realism believes enough and knows enough what this faith can achieve. For the realist there’s always hope, and dreams most of the time can be worked into reality. To the realist emotions are real – it’s true, it exists, it has meaning. The realist asks, rationalizes. While it also doesn’t consider magic and miracles, it accepts the mysticism…That there are still events exact and actuarial science have yet to explain and that such occurrences cannot be denied.

And that is who I am now, a REALIST – well in terms of relationships anyways…Anything worth keeping and anything both parties are willing to work hard on and compromise upon in order to maintain is workable. There are always only two choices: GO or NO…no buts, no ifs, no maybes. Not now, not yet, not ready, am busy means: bye-bye baby. Either you keep it and nurture it or you leave it to die. Any relationship will never work when only one side wants to make it work. It’s a partnership that needs love, affection, consideration, commitment and mutual understanding from both parties (And that’s just for starters). One cannot be the loving, understanding, giving and forgiving alone. All emotions invested has to be returned ‘cause at one point in time the “loving” one will be exhausted…drained…he will be pushed to his limits…to the point of saturation…the threshold of tolerance…the edge of patience. And its not gonna be a pretty picture.

Believe me am the cheesy romantic type. I’ll write mushy letters and sweet silly rhymes; e-mail stupid love notes and will never get tired of greeting my man “Mawnins’ and Nytynyt, luv Us!” every single day. But the idea of unrequited love doesn’t have much appeal to me anymore. Given the choice, it’s something that I won’t make room for in my life. Why? Because it’s sad. Why hurt yourself sticking up with somebody who doesn’t see your real worth, who takes you for granted, laughs at your values and doesn’t respect your opinion? It’s sad. It’s hard.

Simply put: it’s just not worth it – both the person and the relationship. Uh, like we are now in the information age you know, like this is the most hi-tech period in the entire history of mankind…Like we have stuff called Microsoft, credit cards, Nokia, Prada, Brad Pitt, Dolce & Gabana, cars, make up…Fire’s already been invented…In short: Why waste your time for a caveman? Duh!!!

I don’t know about you but I think, the idea sucks…BIG TIME! Why hurt yourself in the process? Martyrdom might as well be a Romanticist concept, just like Communism (Let’s not get into that debate!) Plain and simple: It’s sick! It’s a distorted view of how relationships should be. If you must love like that at all, then take my word: DO it from a distance.

And puh-leease…Do not and I repeat Do NOT give me that “To have loved and lost is better than to have not loved at all” crap. Reality Check: You can never lose what you never had. Chances are what we had is but a disillusionment brought about by the promise of our own fairytale-dream-love-story.

We get our hearts “broken” because we let ourselves believe in dreams. No, am not bein’ cynical here, okay? See, we’re forgetting a key concept here: we are talking about dreams. And precisely that’s what they are: DREAMS. Hey, don’t go passing the judgment. I am an absolute optimist. Totally!!! Am an archer born on the year of the dog. It’s a fire sign. Western astrology and eastern zodiac will tell you that I live, weave and breathe dreams – but that mustn’t extinguish the fact that they are nothing more but dreams – most of the time they wont always come true…no matter how hard you work for it or how badly you wanted it. It’s not about quitting the belief or doing away with the dreaming part, its more of drawing the line between the real: which is what you have and the ideal, that which you dream of.

To sum up, this wasn’t written to shatter anybody’s illusions about love but as an eye opener to those who have yet to experience and a reminder to those who seem to have forgotten. For us to see what’s really happening and to re-assess things as they actually are and not as we want them or perceives them to be…To set aside all the fantasies and pretense and to get serious with business.

Maybe one day, you’ll look at things from a different angle and see it from my point of view. One enters a relationship because he wants commitment – it has to work both ways – with respect, acceptance, understanding and all that stuff and more. This may sound offensive, but reconsider what you’ve just read…

“So, you had a fight…Big deal! My advice: It’s so teenager, just get REAL!”

Recollections

It's been 2 years since I first discovered blogging and I've created several accounts to publish my thoughts on different aspects of life and living. And all my life I've tried to put everything goin' on in mi head on words. What I couldn't and cannot say, I write down. It's really nothing special, it’s just me and the insanity which is my life full of the lunacy weaved by my wild imagination...

So today, I start this new account to collect everything I’ve written all over the cyberworld in a single site and see what or how I've progressed or if I have had a changed of heart or if I had taken a different perspective...suffice it to say a paradigm shift...after all as a woman, it's my prerogative to change my mind. Nyahaha! Seriously though, maybe because adopting a different point of view and changing one's standpoint is a sign of maturity.

Ah, there's an absolute concept: "change". The only thing that is constant in this world...unavoidable…inevitable...It would take a lot out of us to be able to adapt to these changes but then what else can you do to prevent it, or run away from it? Nothing. All our efforts are futile because what’s bound to happen will happen…there is nothing we can do. NOTHING.

So we'll just face it and accept it as it comes.

Blogging...from the mind and the hand of a frustrated writer...I guess will just have to see how far the limitless capability of the internet and the vastness of cyberspace will permit us. WRITING...this is something I've been doing for quite some time, something that I've always loved doing all my life...

Freeedom, language, the words, life itself - precious blessings.

What more can I possibly say? I've been blessed with a lot of things...

I’ve been BLESSED with…

...A family who always stood beside me despite the bad decisions I made...who always accepted, understood and forgave;

...Friends both old and new who always stood by me through the years and I know will stand by me still in the coming years; friends who are never too busy and too far away to listen, to cheer me up, to inspire, to make me laugh, to be my crying shoulder when everything gets too much to bear, to be my strength when I’m too weak, too tired, too broken; friends ready to share all that is good and bad in life;

...People whose lives I've touched and whose lives have made a difference in mine...those that came and went as well as those who came and stayed;

...Colleagues whom have been both critics, friends and mentors;

...Mentors whom you have learned from and have learned form you;

...Critics whom made you see your flaws and faults and made you be careful before you make any action;

...Strangers who made you realize that there is so much more to learn, to live for, to love...knowing that you can impart them both love and knowledge as you yourself can learn from them;

…People who have driven us, inspired us, gave us deadlines, demanded from us the satisfaction of what was expected, made us deliver; those who we interacted with everyday as well as those whom we only met once or never met at all that have made an impact in our lives…

...The gift of words - the rhymes and verses, the essays, the journals...Words which enabled me to reflect on my own life and share my story and experiences with others;

Indeed there are a lot of things in my life that I am THANKFUL for…

...The events that have molded me and transformed me to who I am today -

...the opportunities that came and went because I was too preoccupied with something else, for in a way it makes me who I am today;

...the time gone by, deeds done and the words said which caused pain and could never be taken back again – because they made me stronger, wiser, tougher;

...the insatiable quest for truth, no matter how hurting it can be – because certain realizations opened my eyes: it separated the idealist and optimist from the realist…because not everything is attainable and that there is something called ‘impossible’;

...the love I have freely given yet been taken for granted and yet despite of which I still have so much love to give and that there are so many out there in need of it;

...the trusting confidence I have shown which have been betrayed for it taught me not to lose my faith but to choose whom I trust and believe;

...the second chances I gave and the chances I’ve been given – because it made me forgiving and because it means I’ve been forgiven; through it I was able to redeem myself – to start over and live again;

...the risks I never hesitated to take – because it didn’t only made me brave, I had some worthwhile reward; in a way it made me a skeptical and contemplating daredevil;

...the optimism that never faded and the hope that never left me, without which I wouldn’t have come this far and I wouldn’t be here today;

...the determination to live through my darkest hour – because it didn’t only made me a survivor, it rewarded me with sunshine and rainbows;

...my spirirt that refused to be crushed - that remained steady…because of which I remained whole;

...the smile and laughter that haven't abandoned my soul – because it never failed to lighten the burden...it always made me feel closer to home…

There's a lot in my life that I am thankful for and so I guess this is a way of saying thanks...to open up to others...to share...who I am apart from being me.